1. You
become a nasty-ass, putrid fart monster from hell. My ex-boyfriend would,
in the most polite but firm way possible, insist that I leave the room to fart
after ingesting gluten. The farts of the gluten-sensitive are not only
persistent and seemingly endless, but I cannot through words convey to you what
it is like to endure their smelly wrath. I am in no way exaggerating when I say
that gluten farts are a million times worse-smelling than the prank “bottled
fart” merchandise you can buy at Spencer’s. Gluten farts are hot, heavy, and so
pungent that it’s offensive to anyone in the vicinity. You could win a war with
gluten farts. The government should find a way to weaponize them.
2. Bloating,
stomach aches, and noisy bellies become the norm. Until you adopt a
gluten-free lifestyle, the sweet hereafter of eating a delicious pasta dish is
more like a sickly nightmare. You curl into the fetal position on the couch and
wonder why you did this to yourself. WHYYYY, PASTA ALFREDO? I LOVED YOU SO
MUCH! You fantasize about going back in time and wiggling your finger at the
pasta dish. No means NO, gluten! You won’t take this shit anymore! Speaking of
shit…
3. OMG SCARY
DEMON POOPS. After a gluten-filled meal, your body wants to show you just
how upset it is with what you have done—give you a little, ah, token of
appreciation for the respect that you’ve shown it. This anger, sickness, and
betrayal is expressed very dramatically in the toilet bowl once you’re finished
shitting your brains out. I’d gotten myself into the routine of purposefully
not looking while flushing the toilet. That kind of shit will ruin your day. I
mean it. There are some things you just can’t unsee, and gluten poop is one of
them.
4. Pain
here, pain there, pain everymotherfuckin’where. For the gluten-sensitive, a
“gluten contamination” causes your body to send its antibody soldiers out to
destroy the enemy. The problem is that your antibody army is made up of a bunch
of Anton Chigurhs that will just fuck your shit UP. No mercy. Gluten can cause
inflammation that’ll give you achy joints, fatigue, and general all-around
soreness. You’ll feel more tired and grumpy than your grandfather.
5. Depression.
Everything seems to cause depression these days. We can add gluten to the list
for the gluten-sensitive. It’s annoying because a life without delicious
gluten-rich foods is already pretty sad. There are a bunch of gluten-free
options out there, but let’s not front, they’re simply not as good as the real
shit. I’m convinced that the holes in Udi’s bread are from gluten-sensitive
folks punching the loaves in frustration. The good news is that the longer you
live a gluten-free lifestyle, the more the symptoms from eating gluten make
your brain realize that you’ve essentially poisoned yourself instead of
thinking it’s just a natural consequence of eating. Cutting gluten out of your
diet can not only free your body of the hellish torture you had endured for so
long, but also lift your spirits!
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