The C.A.R.R.I.E. System

Ladies and gentlemen, there is a careful, systemic approach that has allowed me to become the unpredictable, infamous manic pixie dream girl from Hell that I am today. Behold, the powerful, traumatic, shit-storm of a routine I'm calling the C.A.R.R.I.E. System.

C onnect intimately based on fears and insecurities by end of first date.

A ccentuate the desirable, hide the undesirable, portray self as ideal partner.

R ecognize sexual proclivities & coquettishly present them as own.

R eact to perceived or anticipated rejection by aggressive counter-rejection.

I  nitiate seemingly endless cycles of intense idealization and devaluation.

E mpathize strategically for total emotional, mental, and sexual control.

WARNING: Employing the C.A.R.R.I.E. System may cause side-effects in partner(s), including but not limited to major depression, anxiety, unstable sense of self, new-found fear of relationships, chipped shoulders, wounded egos, damaged psyches, and a butt-load of cautionary tales for friends, family, coworkers, and complete strangers who still believe in love.